Gossamer.

I stole this picture from my friend Ryan. He should be fine with that. 

I got a text last night from my mom that said "You better be at a concert right now".

You better believe I was at a concert last night. But let me start off by going back a few days, because a lot has happened since then.

Monday (yesterday) we had a mid-term presentation for my design studio of the work we've done up until this point on a case study of a building given to us. Last Friday I should have been working on it, but my friend Ben visited and distracted me for far too long, so that very little work got done. Saturday we had a swim practice in the morning in which we had "give-away day" which goes like this: you swim in a team and if your team wins a relay you get to chose a single closed bag (you can't see the item at all) and that is your prize. Some of the prizes are pretty bad, like our coaches junk mail, and other stuff is really good, like a 200 dollar race suit. I happened to get a huge banner from 1996 when RPI won the league championships, which I thought was pretty cool.  Immediately following that I joined some upperclassmen friends to "double-d breakfast hut", or more commonly referred to as Dunkin Donuts which was immediately followed by me going to their apartment so that I could get a gift from Dan. Now here's the thing. Dan is one of those people that if you saw him walking down the street you wouldn't say to yourself "now that's a guy who looks like he enjoys sewing", but he does, and he made me a pillow and it's a pretty awesome thing to have someone make for you. But I digress.

Afterwards the day continued by me bleaching my hair (yes, it's a gross blonde color for the meantime) and me trying to film a mens swim team video. After that I think I was able to do some work. Sunday came along and I hunkered down so that I could finish up my studio work by dinnertime. Well, that didn't exactly happen, but nine didn't seem too late to me. Monday's presentation came, and originally it was supposed to be a walk-around-and-look-at-each-others-work kind of deal, but then the professors decided to pick two students from each of the 5 sections to present their work. And guess who got chosen? I'll give you a hint: Their hair looks ridiculous right now.
Post presentation my architecture friends and I look at the time and realize, "oh, we're going to see Matt & Kim and Passion Pit perform in two hours."

AND WE DID AND IT WAS FANTASTIC.

And then we realized Tuesday we had two tests. I'll tell you up front that they did not go so well, but not because of not studying. I regret nothing.

Coffee is necessary for analyzing a building

This is the aforementioned banner. It's huge. It's completely covering my bed.

Context

It's very clear to me that this year is unlike the previous, although I'm not sure why. Sometimes things change and you're not really sure why they do, so you try and find out. And sometimes while trying to answer "why" you end up losing the mindset you previously had. And once that mindset is gone, it's really hard to get it back. But it can come back. You just need to stop asking "why," and instead ask "what now?"

So that's what I'm doing right now. I'm changing my question away from "why" because sometimes that just can't be answered through self speculation. "Why?" is a funny question regardless of the context that it's asked in. There can be a single answer to the question. But there can also be a multitude of answers that all seem right, and just as many that seem wrong. So I've resorted back to a child like state when the answer to "why?" became "because."

One of those things that I've become aware of is how stir crazy I seem to be going here. I miss Seattle, not only for the random blue painted trees, but for the ability to transport myself around an area that I knew well enough to know where I'm headed, but not well enough to stop exploring it. Here, it's not easy to get around, and nothing is really that close. Sometimes I wish I had a car, and other times I wish I had gone to school in a big city so that I could explore with ease. (I really hate it when my friend who goes to school in San Diego sends me messages of "It's 75 so I went to the beach today to do my reading" and I respond with "the low is under 0 and I can't remember the last time there wasn't snow on the ground.") Part of me thinks that I would never use the car, and the other part of me thinks I wouldn't stop going places.

I really like the idea of travelling, but the idea of doing it alone scares me a little. Like there's no one to share the experience with, and that's a huge part of the experience for me - is sharing it with others. I was startled realizing that it was February already because that means next month is spring break. Last year, I had an awesome break shared with some people that are now my closest friends. I saw a huge portion of the East coast and it was unforgettable really. This year... I'm not really sure what will happen. I don't just want to go home with someone else, it's kind of sad just doing that. It just reminds me that I can't go home myself.

I'm hoping for an adventure to spring up. If not, I may have to make one for myself.

Ridiculousness

Things have been extraordinarily hectic since school started back up. I don't particularly want to go into details, but I've been able to figure most things out and I'm starting to get back on track to where I need to be for a good semester. Since it's only been two weeks I've been lacking a bit of motivation to do work, so I've been doing the bare minimum as of now, but that will change soon enough. I just need to get used to a schedule. Schedules help me focus and organize.

A List:
- Maggie introduced me to Cataldo  and I listened to all three of their albums three times in the course of a day, while I was working on architectural drawings. It's like a unique combination of Death Cab For Cutie and The Avett Brothers. At least in my opinion.
- I made banana bread. I always use this recipe and so far I haven't produced an unsatisfactory loaf. (Baking tip: Add chocolate chips. It makes it even better)
- I found out over winter break that I was far sighted, which explains my difficulty in reading/working on the computer after a few hours. So I ordered a pair of glasses after trying a few pairs on. They should be coming soon. (Thank goodness because I'm sitting like three feet away from the screen as I type this. Not exaggerating.)
- I recently got Chicago (The Musical) and I'm very excited for a spare few hours to watch it. I just love jazz music.
-The watch I got for Christmas is awesome for several reasons, one of which is the fact that I can change out straps. So when I saw a leather replacement I was very tempted to get it, but I waited too long and now it's sold out.
- I read The Fault in Our Stars recently and had to refrain from crying when reading it since I was sitting on a bus with my swim team when I was doing so. Probably would have startled a few people if I had done that. (Meaning, of course I loved the book.)
- When my laptop got stolen and I thought I lost everything it turns out I randomly backed up to my hardrive in late April. So I'm only missing one semesters worth of work instead of 3! And my website for my electronic portfolio is up and has content and even though I accepted a coaching job again, I'm still going to try and apply for internships in Seattle. This does require a bit more work but if I manage my time well, all will be okay.
- Also, this article on how to cope with unstylish friends made me laugh.

My life is ridiculous.

Expectaions

I'm not really the type of person to care too much about what other people think of me. But have you ever thought about how people might see you, in a light different than you see yourself? Not in a good or bad way necessarily, but just a different way. I remember in high school when we were applying for college when colleagues found out I was going to school in New York; they all assumed I was going to become a fashion designer. I never had even proposed that idea to anyone, but for some odd reason people had just assumed that's what I was going to do with my life. I wasn't offended by this, I suppose there is some justification to this assumption seeing that I had recently started (what was) a fashion blog, and I was much more invested on maintaining an appearance than other males at my school.

So it's things like this. Like people assuming or associating certain things with me that I never really saw as relating to myself. A friend who begins a conversation with me about a film noir class he took because he thought that it would be something I would appreciate. Another one who thinks I live in New York City (news flash: I don't.)

But not only in these kinds of arbitrary respects. It's honestly not modesty, or me being humble, but I didn't think I was good at a lot of things until someone mentions it to me. I recall junior year of high school, English class, when I was trying to figure out who I thought would be the best person to edit an essay, so I turned to a classmate and asked her who she would choose as the best writer, and would trust with her essay. To my own surprise, she responded by saying "you." As in me.
I don't think I'm particularly good at a lot of things, but I do try hard at those things. I love a good challenge, and I think that's part of my problem. A constant barrage of difficulties with very little "wins" per say doesn't really boost ones self esteem.

But it's not really that. It's as if I have all these expectations of others that I didn't even know existed. Is that not a scary thought? That others see you in a certain light, and if for some reason you weren't able to maintain that image in their eyes then you would be perceived differently, even though you are completely unaware of this other individuals views of you?

I really shouldn't be letting this type of thought be getting to me, but I can't stop thinking about all of the arbitrary people I know who are expecting something from me. I know that this is an absolutely ridiculous thing to even think about. I know I should only try and meet my own expectations, and be happy with those. But when I know the expectations of others, it's hard to not try and meet them.

So I will. I wont let them eat me away anymore, but I will try and achieve them. It's a challenge and I like a good challenge.
I've got a lot to manage now; the end of the swim season and our championship meet, another intensive studio course, and the prospects of a summer job and/or internship are all rapidly approaching.
Spring semester 2013, here I come.
*cues motivational music*

Instagram Recap: Winter Break



For some reason my school has an absurdly long winter break, but believe me I am not complaining when I say that. I was able to go home for two weeks after my last final, and spent a lot of time doing holiday related crafts, and meeting up with friends for coffee. (I kid you not, every time I went out to coffee, I went to a different coffee shop.) The holiday festivities and time with my family back in Seattle was short lived to say the least. I had to return to campus before the new year so that I could accompany the swim team to Puerto Rico for our annual training trip. I enjoyed the beach when I wasn't swimming at any of my three daily practices. On our day off, we were lucky enough to visit the other side of the island where we weren't staying, and it was authentic and gorgeous.

Unfortunately that went by rather quickly, and we returned to campus over a week and a half ago. And although it hasn't been eventful (besides the occasional snowfall) time has flown by. I had been staying in a friends apartment for the duration of the break, up until last night in which I fully moved back into my dorm. I had the place to myself and I made tea, played a January Mix from Maggie, and worked on my resume and looking up internships in the most comfortable pair of sweatpants ever.

 This upcoming semester should be a little less stressful than the previous (this is wishful thinking at its finest). I am taking one less class, one of my classes is only half of the semester - the half that I have off from swimming too- and one of the classes I'm taking has been rumoured to be easy. Studio, as always, will cause me the most stress, but hopefully I can tackle it with a refreshed mind. For now, I'm going to enjoy the rest of my time off by working on trying to muster up a portfolio and listen to new music, to hopefully feature on a project of the past.

Talent

 

 

Have you ever been, or known someone who is just naturally good at something? Because if you have, then you can relate to the content of this post. If you can't, I question whether or not you are a human being.

In general, any given individual has something that they are innately good at. It can be anything from memorizing data to juggling flaming bowling pins. It usually takes a bit of experience to realize a talent, but once you've figured it out, it's pretty clear to you. So there are a few things that I'd consider myself to be good at, and only a few things that I'd say that I'm talented at. I have an easy time dedicating myself to things, I'd say that's a talent. My time management skills are pretty dang good, and I find ease in having ideas. Sure, some weird things, but I'd consider them to be talents of mine.
One thing I do not think that I am talented at is athletics. Never have I ever been good at a sport. Nor has anything about athletics really come naturally to me. Ever. Baseball, I mean, T-Ball? I hit the tee, and was the kid in the outfield playing in the sand. Basketball? If I ever actually scored, there is a 50/50 chance that it was my own teams basket. Soccer? Parents made me quit because they told me  I really wasn't any good at it. (I really only played because my friends played.) Track? I could kind of do longer distances. Nothing else though.

And then there is swimming. I really wasn't good when I started. I actually wasn't any good until my third year of swimming year round on a club team. At that point I was almost 14. At this time in my career I actually started to be a competitor. Like top five in my age group in Washington. I remained decent throughout High School, and definitely was at my best at 16. Then my coach at the time left out of the blue, and our team was in a purgatory for a while - completely coach less. It wasn't until my freshman year of college that I got any better, but I honestly just believe that was due to the excitement of something new.

Because honestly, I'm not a talented swimmer. I work hard, and something clicks when it comes to technique but I'm not talented. It doesn't come easy.

And honestly it's getting so difficult to continue to motivate myself to do something that doesn't really come easily. I'm not really sure why this is surfacing now. Perhaps it's been my poor performance this past season not only in meets but also in practices. Perhaps it's the fact that I see others who are talented and don't think I can keep up any more. Perhaps it's the fact that although it's a part of my life now, I can see that it might now be detrimental to my academic load, which I've always viewed as more important, but especially now that it's directly correlating to the future of a career. Perhaps it's my coach who I can't seem to get motivated by, or honestly trust with the well being of my swimming.

It's been weighing on my mind lately, what if I invested my time towards the things I am actually talented at? School has always come fairly easy to me, with all of my extra curricular activities in addition. What if I just focused on school itself? Would all of my efforts that have previously been spread concentrate into one thing? Do I dare answer my own, what if?

Off to a bad start

This is an interesting start to the new year.

Once again, I travelled to Puerto Rico with my swim team for our 8 day training trip in which we bombard our bodies with physical activity until we cannot move any more. The only nice part about this is the fact that we were in a tropical location and got tan while doing it. Well, we received sun. Most of us burnt really. Like usual, we all spend too much time together and end up having a bit of animosity towards one another by the end, causing drama. I've decided to essentially give up on one of my friendships over this period of time, because I'm tired of trying to be friends with someone who won't make time to do things with me, or anyone really. Maybe if he realized he doesn't need to be attached at the hip to his girlfriend BOTH of them would have more friends. But alas, their togetherness makes everyone around them uncomfortable. But I digress. That's not really what I wished to discuss in this post.

What DID happen is this: The apartment I am staying in over break (since we don't have classes until the 23rd or something, and they close our dorms) got broken into while we were gone. Mostly they just took electronic items that they knew they could sell easily. Tv's, xboxes, stuff like that. It's a pain to have to replace them, but they are replaceable nonetheless. What I am extraordinarily dumbfounded by was why they took my laptop, and no one else's. Mine was actually slightly hidden too, more so than others in the apartment.

There is so much data on there that I'm just devastated.

I was stupid and didn't  back it up recently, or really, at all. I should have been better about that. Then this wouldn't be such a big deal. I was so close to taking it with me when we left too, and if I had done that, it would still be with me. If I had actually hid it, maybe it wouldn't be taken. There are so many things I could have done to prevent this, and I'm just kicking myself for losing it.
ALL of my schoolwork is now gone. All my music, all my photo's, everything.

I have managed to find a few files and images via email's that I haven't deleted (because generally I store everything, just in case), but it's not enough. I have a loaner laptop right now, and I believe insurance covers a replacement, which is nice, but I need that data. I had planned on making an electronic portfolio for all of my architecture work before classes started. Well, now that I don't have any work to show, it's going to be near impossible for me to create a portfolio. Without a portfolio, I can't apply to internships. My goal of getting an internships at a firm this summer is completely wiped out.

I'm devastated.