It's very clear to me that this year is unlike the previous, although I'm not sure why. Sometimes things change and you're not really sure why they do, so you try and find out. And sometimes while trying to answer "why" you end up losing the mindset you previously had. And once that mindset is gone, it's really hard to get it back. But it can come back. You just need to stop asking "why," and instead ask "what now?"
So that's what I'm doing right now. I'm changing my question away from "why" because sometimes that just can't be answered through self speculation. "Why?" is a funny question regardless of the context that it's asked in. There can be a single answer to the question. But there can also be a multitude of answers that all seem right, and just as many that seem wrong. So I've resorted back to a child like state when the answer to "why?" became "because."
One of those things that I've become aware of is how stir crazy I seem to be going here. I miss Seattle, not only for the random blue painted trees, but for the ability to transport myself around an area that I knew well enough to know where I'm headed, but not well enough to stop exploring it. Here, it's not easy to get around, and nothing is really that close. Sometimes I wish I had a car, and other times I wish I had gone to school in a big city so that I could explore with ease. (I really hate it when my friend who goes to school in San Diego sends me messages of "It's 75 so I went to the beach today to do my reading" and I respond with "the low is under 0 and I can't remember the last time there wasn't snow on the ground.") Part of me thinks that I would never use the car, and the other part of me thinks I wouldn't stop going places.
I really like the idea of travelling, but the idea of doing it alone scares me a little. Like there's no one to share the experience with, and that's a huge part of the experience for me - is sharing it with others. I was startled realizing that it was February already because that means next month is spring break. Last year, I had an awesome break shared with some people that are now my closest friends. I saw a huge portion of the East coast and it was unforgettable really. This year... I'm not really sure what will happen. I don't just want to go home with someone else, it's kind of sad just doing that. It just reminds me that I can't go home myself.
I'm hoping for an adventure to spring up. If not, I may have to make one for myself.