Is this my battle to fight
I understand that my actions have consequences, I have a utilitarian perspective to begin with
Sure things aren't always fair, these things I understand
Are you being unprofessional if you are not a professional to begin with
How come you all cower
Why are we afraid to confront authority if what we believe what they are doing is not advantageous
How come no one shares what they are feeling
Receiving feedback on yourself is hard to cope with
But it's meant to be a critique; something that you take into consideration from another outside view
Just because it's different doesn't mean its right
Or wrong for that matter
But take it to heart
Or don't
Listening and hearing have different definitions
And if you don't
Continuation becomes an exhausting feat
My expectations are high
And why should they not be
And why should that mean I should change them to compensate for another
Can we meet halfway, if only for comprehension
Perhaps negligence? I observe obstinateness
Ossifiy, obdurate
Fear drives your motives, I am almost sure of it
Trying to speak truth, to genuinely express concern
Should not result in distrust, doubt, dubitation
Yet it does
The consequences continue
As do I.

What. A. Week.

Sure it's only Thursday night, but the last couple of days have been long enough to count for an entire week. Today marked the due date of our giant quarter scaled model (which means one inch of our model equals four feet on the real building proposal) and ours just ended up being massive. Like 4 feet tall and wide and it was just a massive piece of model. That took several days worth of work to complete. And I got a bit dirty in the process. And the only thing I listened to was Woodkids' new album The Golden Age.

In addition to that I've been selected to have my project from last semester get sent somewhere to be built on a 3-D printer and it's going to be in an exhibition in a museum, as well as published in a book that our school made. So on Wednesday I had to go to a meeting where we were supposed to fix our models but instead I had to run to the pool to have an end of the season meeting with the coaches who are still unhappy with me. So it went like this:
Coach: "Are you still as miserable as you were the last few months of swimming?" (I was really miserable, I legitimately thought I had depression, went to talk to a psychologist who just told me that maybe I had unreasonable expectations of everything in my life, and of course that's true but why is it just getting to me now, and it seemed to sprout from swimming.)
Me: "No."
Assistant Coach that I like: (under his breath) "Because he's not swimming anymore."
Coach: "Well I don't really know if I want you back next year. I feel like I can't trust you after you ripped me apart during our meeting in February (this is true, but it was completely professional, she just hates having peoples opinions told to her that she doesn't agree with) so I'm going to have to rethink somethings before I decide."
Me: "Um... Okay." (I don't actually remember what I said to that but you can't really respond to that to much.)
Anyways, it's clear we can't work together because she is emotionally vulnerable and has never had anyone tell her that they disagree with her, and if they do, they get kicked off. I love the team and they love me and actually most of the team wants me to be captain, but the coach rarely does whats best for the team, only what is best for her.
So that was fun.

Last weekend I attended a swim team formal that I helped organize and set up, which was a blast, but there isn't much to say about that besides the fact that I finally got to wear the bowtie that Ben and Eva got me for Christmas. Bulls and Bear for the win.

Tomorrow we are getting recruits for the swim team which means team bonding activities (sarcastic enthusiasm inserted here.) But it should be fun to get away from studio and all the drama that happens there. I'll save that for another post.
Saturday I volunteered to give tours and talk with prospective students at out accepted students day, which I'm very excited about.

In other news I'm thinking about applying to work as a part time intern at any one of a local design magazine this summer. Seems like a cool gig.

I hope you enjoyed that disjunct, out of chronological order description of my past week.


Random street art I saw in NYC

Things that my high school English teacher taught me that aren't really about English

You aren't allowed to go to the bathroom in college classes. Well, times must have changed because we can go the the bathroom freely, in any of my classes. However the mentality of this has stuck with me, that you really shouldn't feel the need to leave class for any reason. You pay an (unreasonable) amount to attend the school so you might as well go to all of the classes, and actually pay attention in them. Sure it's inevitable that drowsiness might overcome even the most strong, but try and pay attention.

So what? I suppose initially this was in regards to our essays, as in, we should read with the lens of "so what" in order to make sure everything we wrote had a purpose. This is a skill I have taken far past the idea of analytically essays. Really, I take it to heart in my architectural work, where I want to make sure everything has a purpose. So much in design currently is left up to the arbitration of a person - and much too often they make decisions that are pointless, and not thought out.

Go to class drunk. I mean, I don't think I'll ever do this. Nor is it the literal point of the anecdote she told anterior to this advice. What she was really getting at was that we shouldn't forget to have a little fun, to enjoy ourselves amongst all the stress and expectations of a student. Too often I forget that although the work I'm doing is important, it is perhaps not as important as my emotional well-being. I am able to have a wide range of friends and willing to make more, allowing more opportunities to take.

There is no shame in obsessing over what you're passionate about. Although this statement stand by itself, the way it came about was just too funny not to share. This English teacher of mine is a hard core fan girl of Eddie Vedder from Pearl Jam and practically stalks him. Over the course of a week she saw him 3 times, one of which was at the gym and she was wearing a tee shirt with his face on it, the second time was at a convenience store in which she proceed to duck below the aisles when they made eye contact, and I believe the last time was a meet and greet gala event with the band, and she got a little too tipsy and cried at him because she was overwhelmed with emotion for him (meanwhile her husband just watches the whole scene go down...)
So yeah. Even though I don't think she's recommend obsessing over a person as much as she did, it's still important to find that something that really gets you going.

If she finds this post and decides to read it, I just want her to know that I probably choice some of the most ridiculous things to share, but she's one of the most influential people that was in my life. So thank you.

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