I'm not really the type of person to care too much about what other people think of me. But have you ever thought about how people might see you, in a light different than you see yourself? Not in a good or bad way necessarily, but just a different way. I remember in high school when we were applying for college when colleagues found out I was going to school in New York; they all assumed I was going to become a fashion designer. I never had even proposed that idea to anyone, but for some odd reason people had just assumed that's what I was going to do with my life. I wasn't offended by this, I suppose there is some justification to this assumption seeing that I had recently started (what was) a fashion blog, and I was much more invested on maintaining an appearance than other males at my school.
So it's things like this. Like people assuming or associating certain things with me that I never really saw as relating to myself. A friend who begins a conversation with me about a film noir class he took because he thought that it would be something I would appreciate. Another one who thinks I live in New York City (news flash: I don't.)
But not only in these kinds of arbitrary respects. It's honestly not modesty, or me being humble, but I didn't think I was good at a lot of things until someone mentions it to me. I recall junior year of high school, English class, when I was trying to figure out who I thought would be the best person to edit an essay, so I turned to a classmate and asked her who she would choose as the best writer, and would trust with her essay. To my own surprise, she responded by saying "you." As in me.
I don't think I'm particularly good at a lot of things, but I do try hard at those things. I love a good challenge, and I think that's part of my problem. A constant barrage of difficulties with very little "wins" per say doesn't really boost ones self esteem.
But it's not really that. It's as if I have all these expectations of others that I didn't even know existed. Is that not a scary thought? That others see you in a certain light, and if for some reason you weren't able to maintain that image in their eyes then you would be perceived differently, even though you are completely unaware of this other individuals views of you?
I really shouldn't be letting this type of thought be getting to me, but I can't stop thinking about all of the arbitrary people I know who are expecting something from me. I know that this is an absolutely ridiculous thing to even think about. I know I should only try and meet my own expectations, and be happy with those. But when I know the expectations of others, it's hard to not try and meet them.
So I will. I wont let them eat me away anymore, but I will try and achieve them. It's a challenge and I like a good challenge.
I've got a lot to manage now; the end of the swim season and our championship meet, another intensive studio course, and the prospects of a summer job and/or internship are all rapidly approaching.
Spring semester 2013, here I come.
*cues motivational music*