Only if you care to
I'm feeling homesick.
But not for my home. Not for anywhere in particular actually. I just have that feeling that I have somewhere I want to be, something that I want to feel, that keeps coming back this year.
Maybe travelling would cure this. But then again I get frightened when I don't know what to do, where to go, how to behave. Maybe it's the fear of the unknown that's holding me back.
I recently read something profound, "... people may not know what they can enjoy."Perhaps it's that I don't know what I'm searching for, since I'm too scared to step out of my comfort zone. To timid to break the rules...
I couldn't break the rules if I wanted to.
A lot of what is circulating my head is the fact that I never do anything that I want to do, only the things I need to do. Of course it's schoolwork. I NEED to do my schoolwork. There's no time for things that I may want to do. That would be counter-productive. I have a reputation to maintain; not because I have to, but I want to. No, I have to. It's the way I work. It's one of the few things I can control.
Lately I've sensed a disconnect between me and my other architecture friends. They all live together, on the same floor, of the same dorm, and the majority of them are roommates with each other. It's apparent how relationships have changed, and it's clear that I'm left out - but not on purpose. I just get forgotten. Often.
So I bury myself in my work, furthering the separation. Not only from them, but everyone. My roommates, my other friends, my own "wants." I tried to get away from it all tonight, but I felt guilty for not doing work and left. But now my mind is too clouded to focus. The drive has left. I just constantly feel like giving up. It's not an option, but it's nice to fantasize about sometimes.
I really want to take myself out for coffee. I want to plan out furniture for my apartment next year. I yearn to go thrift shopping, find vintage chairs, and re-upholster them. I want to bake pumpkin flavored goods. I would love to cook dinner for some friends, and laugh about nothing in general. I want to visit a new city. I want to sit in a big comfy chair and read a book.
It's all so selfish. These things can wait until I have the time for them. I go to this ridiculously expensive school, and I'm putting my mind where my money goes and and hitting the books (theoretically speaking, since most of the work I am assigned isn't book work) and getting upset over my dwindling social life, which I am the sole destroyer of.
Not that anybody cares about my manic thoughts, but in this medium I feel like I can successfully reflect and clear my head.