Only if you care to

I'm feeling homesick.

But not for my home. Not for anywhere in particular actually. I just have that feeling that I have somewhere I want to be, something that I want to feel, that keeps coming back this year.
Maybe travelling would cure this. But then again I get frightened when I don't know what to do, where to go, how to behave. Maybe it's the fear of the unknown that's holding me back.

I recently read something profound, "... people may not know what they can enjoy."Perhaps it's that I don't know what I'm searching for, since I'm too scared to step out of my comfort zone. To timid to break the rules...
I couldn't break the rules if I wanted to.
A lot of what is circulating my head is the fact that I never do anything that I want to do, only the things I need to do. Of course it's schoolwork. I NEED to do my schoolwork. There's no time for things that I may want to do. That would be counter-productive. I have a reputation to maintain; not because I have to, but I want to. No, I have to. It's the way I work. It's one of the few things I can control.
Lately I've sensed a disconnect between me and my other architecture friends. They all live together, on the same floor, of the same dorm, and the majority of them are roommates with each other. It's apparent how relationships have changed, and it's clear that I'm left out - but not on purpose. I just get forgotten. Often.
So I bury myself in my work, furthering the separation. Not only from them, but everyone. My roommates, my other friends, my own "wants." I tried to get away from it all tonight, but I felt guilty for not doing work and left. But now my mind is too clouded to focus. The drive has left. I just constantly feel like giving up. It's not an option, but it's nice to fantasize about sometimes.

I really want to take myself out for coffee. I want to plan out furniture for my apartment next year. I yearn to go thrift shopping, find vintage chairs, and re-upholster them. I want to bake pumpkin flavored goods. I would love to cook dinner for some friends, and laugh about nothing in general. I want to visit a new city. I want to sit in a big comfy chair and read a book.

It's all so selfish. These things can wait until I have the time for them. I go to this ridiculously expensive school, and I'm putting my mind where my money goes and and hitting the books (theoretically speaking, since most of the work I am assigned isn't book work) and getting upset over my dwindling social life, which I am the sole destroyer of.

Not that anybody cares about my manic thoughts, but in this medium I feel like I can successfully reflect and clear my head.
shelbyisms said...

I can really relate to how you're feeling. I'm in a better position, though, obviously. I pay $200/year to attend college and I'm not majoring in a math-related subject, but I get you. And I want you to know that you've GOT to find that happiness. You have to. Because if not, you will get burnt out, and then what else is there? College is "supposed" to be a memorable, happy time. Everyone always says that it's the time of your life. I know for me, it's not. I wake up, go to work for eight hours, go to school for three, and then come home to do homework until I blindly crawl into bed to repeat the same thing the next day. I got burnt out. I am burnt out.

Chase that "something," Dillon. And if travel is what you need, do it. Call me. I'll go with you.

Love & good wishes.

Maggie Shirley said...

Ditto everything Shelby said. You're going to the school you wanted in a gorgeous part of the country—don't work so hard that you're not able to enjoy it.

Call me too and I'll go with you and Shelby. Or meet me in Austin. You know, whatever.

Love and miss you dearly.

Natalie said...

Dillon. Of course we care about your thoughts.

I don't know if it's just a coincidence or if it's something inherent about us as bloggers that makes us all such hardworking people that refuse to back down. A stubbornness that just gets in our own way. You, then Shelby and Maggie graduating early, me setting myself up for applying to med school...

From my experience it's the easiest thing to get lost in work and distance yourself from everything and everyone. And if you want to let out your frustrations, people tend to advise going out and doing what you want and saying screw it to all obligations. But it's obviously not as simple as that. It's just not something that's in the realm of possibility despite how much it might enter our thoughts. I know that there's a balance there somewhere, but it's so hard to find.

I don't even know if any of this made any sense and I really wish I could be as eloquent and well-worded as Shelby, but basically, I can relate too.

And you better add me to the list of people to call when this traveling thing happens. Blogger family European adventures summer 2014?

Seriously counting down the days until the first weekend of October. We will have an adventure in New York city and get coffee and pumpkin flavored baked goods.

Anonymous said...

Shelby's right. You can't burn yourself out. THAT is what's responsible, working until you hit a breaking point and just can't work anymore isn't.

My advice: I understand the type-a, hyper-driven, personality that wants to please all, and has to get everything done on time, or early, and do it perfectly, and takes no breaks or leisure time until it's through. That's my personality in a nutshell, and it's yours too. Unfortunately, with that personality comes the higher chance to burn out, as well as the higher chance to succeed. It took me awhile to figure it out, but what's important is balancing that inner urge to DO ALL THE THINGS, with the little things that will keep you in a state (both mentally, physically, and emotionally) where you stay able to DO ALL THE THINGS. If you just blindly do it all, you will burn out.
We can't always just drop it all, not just because we can't, but also because our personalities won't let us. Instead of dropping everything and fulfilling the "I think I'll just move to Europe and open a Tulip shop" fantasy (Or is that just one I have?), which I should mention is a good thing to have: Keep the Tulip shop fantasies, they help keep you going, but anyway, instead of doing something big take yourself out for coffee once a week.
Just you. Plan half an hour, or an hour a week where you have that time free to be with yourself. Use it for reading for pleasure, use it for having a cupcake from that bakery you walk past every day but never have the time to go into. Do it by yourself. Make it a mini vacation. It's your breather. It's what will help you keep going, and it's a reliable, once a week, decompression and relaxation vacation. And then, when the weekly date with yourself is over, work your butt off like your personality wants you to. DO ALL THE THINGS, and kick ass at it, but you're no good if you burn out.

And on the off-chance you do decide to travel the world with Maggie and Shelby, call me and I'll come to, and maybe we can all open a Tulip shop somewhere and you can design it.

You rock. I miss you like crazy, and I hope you know that if you ever need anything all you have to do is ask.

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